KEVIN DURANT TWEETS AS SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
Writer: Claire De Lune
Illustrator: Andrew Gragg
About two years ago, in the height of the doldrums of the pandemic, my boredom took me to new heights and I did what any normal person would do when they’re bored and lonely: go down a rabbit hole of the best Kevin Durant tweets. I don’t know what deranged part of my brain decided to take each tweet’s distinct personality and ascribe it to a sign in the zodiac, but I’m kinda glad I did, because it was really, really fun! Because Flagrant is as wonderfully deranged as I am, they asked me to expound on this idea, so I’m pleased as punch to present to you the fruits of my labor below: Kevin Durant Tweets as Signs of the Zodiac. Please direct all “how could you?!’s” to me at @ClaireMPLS, over on the best app in existence.
CAPRICORN ♑
Capricorns are the most financially savvy members of the zodiac. They’re also the most shrewd, calculating, and pragmatic (Lebron James, one of the most famous Capricorns on the planet, famously refused to pay for ad-free Pandora even though he’s a billionaire). The typo in this tweet is a little out of character for a meticulous Capricorn, but very on-brand to be most haunted by financially fraught trauma.
AQUARIUS ♒
Something I’ve always loved and respected about the wildchild Aquarius is their penchant for letting their freak flag fly. The unabashed weirdo of the zodiac, Aquarius is that friend who can one-up every crazy story, who brings up that one time they hitchhiked through Lima at every opportunity, and thinks “everyone should do mushrooms at least once.” Tyler Herro’s quintessentially Aquarian style has made him a LeagueFits regular.
PISCES ♓
The sensitive poets of the zodiac, Pisces are the ultimate deep thinkers. They will sit and contemplate, stew and ruminate, and let all of it hurt their feelings somehow. Existential quandary is their middle name, and if there’s one thing they’re gonna do it’s FEEL. Some of the least surprising astrological information on earth is that Anthony Davis is a Pisces.
ARIES ♈
It should come as no surprise that there are a LOT of Aries in the NBA — their highly competitive nature and self confidence makes them ideal professional athletes (and also kind of annoying sometimes, if we’re being honest). They’re the fiery, hyper competitive friend who makes a chill game of beer pong feel like life or death, and always, always chooses “dare.” Hot headed and incredibly stubborn, Aries epitomizes a fire sign. See: Kyrie Irving
TAURUS ♉
If there’s one thing a Taurus loves, it’s food. They’re a big fan of creature comforts in general, your Taurus friend is probably most content chilling at home, under a weighted blanket, eating their favorite takeout. That’s kind of aspirational, let’s be honest. If you want to bond with a Taurus, talking to them about food is probably a good start. This is a hot tip to strike up a conversation about plant-based eats with famous Taurean vegan Chris Paul.
GEMINI ♊
Listen, I would never accuse Geminis of being social climbers. But they do have a deep understanding of and respect for social currency. A Gemini is the friend who reads Deux Moi religiously and has a party story about that one time they hooked up with someone from that band you were all obsessed with a few years ago (yes, it was the bassist who didn’t play on the record and joined right before the tour, but it still counts). The irony that Carmelo Anthony, who famously got memed giving Rihanna sex eyes, is a Gemini is not lost on me.
CANCERS ♋
Cancers are lovers, not fighters. Sure, if you cross them, they can have a scary side (crabs have pinchers, after all), but underneath their hard shell exterior these crustaceans are sensitive as can be. They rival Pisces for the “feels the most feelings” award, and they can be known to take things quite personally. Hopeless romantics, all a Cancer really wants at the end of the day, is somewhere to put all those feelings! Anyone who follows Damian Lillard on instagram won’t be surprised to know that this goodbye-for-the-season-waving basketball savant is a softy Cancer at heart.
LEO ♌
Leos need attention and constant validation like a fish needs water. The trade off is that they’re incredibly entertaining and super fun, but if you don’t remind them how cool, hot, and amazing they are around once an hour, they are wont to self-destruct. Your Leo friend probably has a birthday *week*, posts a carousel of selfies because they can’t pick just one, and has seriously considered being on a reality show. Shout out to NBA Leo Kyle Kuzma, the pink sweater and its subsequent meme was legendary.
VIRGO ♍
I’m not saying Virgos are judgemental, but I’m not *not* saying that. Their superiority complex is kinda deserved, though; they’re generally smart as a whip and think about things deeply. They have a little bit of the competitiveness of an Aries, mixed with the intuitive nature of a Pisces, and lord do they hold a grudge. Kind of a terrifying combination, that also makes them primed for world domination. Jimmy Butler is peak Virgo.
LIBRA ♎
Libras are the capital-F Flirts of the zodiac. Flirting isn’t just a means to an end for them, it’s a way of life. Your Libra friend has probably complained to you on more than one occasion that “some random just gave me their number! I thought I was just being nice?!” They’re social butterflies who want everyone to be happy and comfortable at all times, and that’s immensely desirable. And they love love.They can’t help if they break a few hearts along the way! Okay, maybe they could help it a little, but where’s the fun in that? Kevin Durant himself is a love-loving Libra.
SCORPIO ♏
If Aquarians are the flag-flying freaks of the Zodiac, Scorpios are like their darkside alter-egos. I lovingly refer to Scorpios as agents of chaos: they love all things taboo, dark, macabre, and edgy. And, tbh, that’s hot! It’s truly a necessary balance to neighboring Libra’s incessant sunshine. Just don’t cross a Scorpio under any circumstances because you do *not* want to see that side of “intense” —the word that describes both the good and bad of the sign. Russell Westbrook is an unsurprising Scorpion.
SAGITTARIUS ♐
Sagittarians love to have a good time. “Life of the party” feels a little reductive here, because they just love people, travel, experiences, and generally squeezing the most out of the lemon of life, but they *are* also the life of the party. Every friend group needs a Sagittarius — the best +1 in the zodiac. Just be prepared for their magnetic energy to keep all the eyes on them (Leos, beware). The NBA’s own Kelly Oubre Jr is a key example of a sparkling Sag.